Thursday, June 13, 2013

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

I absolutely adore my Dad.  I don't tell him enough, and waiting until Father's Day to express it is all well and good, but our father's are not going to be around forever.

I remember, as a kid, I used to think Dad was bullet-proof.  He was larger than life, always there, and did a good job of balancing discipline with fun.

I think my Dad is hilarious.  Some of the things he told us as kids, though, weren't as funny then as they are now.  For example, travelling to my grandmother's one day, Dad pulled out a jar of Macadamia nuts.  He offered to share when my brother, Denny, asked, "What's a 'Macadamia', Dad?"  Without missing a beat, he said, "It's a lizard from Hawaii."

...I'll let that sink in for a second...  I remember thinking, "Oh, that is just gross!"


Another time, Dad brought out a jar of Artichoke hearts to snack on.  Again, Den asked, "Dad...what's an Artichoke?"  Actually, I don't remember what he said they were, but what I DO remember, is he said they had to kill a whole herd of 'em to get a full jar.  The look on my brother's face...priceless.  I think he was scarred for life.  Of course, Mom is poking Dad in the ribs, telling him to quit picking on the poor boy.

So, you know the sound of steam escaping that a live lobster will make when it hits boiling water?  Dad said they were screaming.  I think he just wanted more for himself.

One of Dad's favorite snacks is canned sardines and crackers.  Whenever we asked for a snack, that was always his first suggestion.  You know, like answering a kid who wants to know what they're having for dinner with, "Liver and onions."  YECH!

And whose Dad didn't tell you that when you got new shoes, you could run faster?  Or if you pee in the pool, a purple ring will follow you the rest of the day?




Dad enjoys good humor - I'd like to think I get my sense of humor from him.  I'm glad I have happy memories of him laughing with us as kids.  Because of him, I have great stories for my kids and awesome comebacks for the questions they ask!


Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Just want to share a little inspiration...

My favorite Scripture is Psalm 46:10, 'Be still and know that I am God."  It's simple but packs some serious power for me when things are...off.  No worries - I'm fine - but I heard a song today by a band that, when read in the context of that Psalm, sort of sounded like a combination of that verse and the poem, "Footprints in the Sand".  



Here are the lyrics to "Be Still" by The Fray:


Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And sleep no longer finds your bed
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, be still


If fear falls upon your bed and sleep no longer comes

Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still and know


And if you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be



Be still, be still, be still


And if you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
Just know I am standing beside you
Be still, be still, be still

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I Am


Thursday, May 23, 2013

It said WHAT?!?

Apparently, they're a little bitter about it...

I LOVE funny signs.  In fact, I have a collection of them that I used to display in my kitchen, but haven’t found a good place for them in my current home.  Among them are signs that say, “The cat will not be granting an audience today”, and “Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall”.  

Now, that's just mean
Lately, I’ve come across some I haven’t seen before and thought I’d share them with you…even if you HAVE seen them!




And then there are those “well…at-least-they’re-honest” and “maybe-you-should-have-been-more-specific” signs.




OK, they're not THAT bad...are they?


Yeah, we just can't have dogs pooing and such.  Better just get rid of 'em now!
One hotel wanted to advertise their beautiful views but missed the mark by posting on their reader board, “ENJOY FALL FROM PRIVATE BALCONY!” 










I have to say, it might be politically incorrect, but oriental signs translated into English seem to be the most hilarious.  A Korean restaurant has the notice, “SERVING PEOPLE” posted under the name of their restaurant.


Um...Ew?


This wouldn't be complete without a few head-scratchers: 



Huh...you don't say...
 
Still others are just downright funny because someone was very clever:
'wink-wink'!!



Oh, that's OK...no, really...














I find it amusing that there are people out there brave enough to post some of these signs on purpose, but when it's an unintentional accident?  Priceless!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

When I was your age...


I recently read that iTunes is now 10 years old.  It’s funny to look back and see how much things have changed in such a relatively short time.  Things we thought were “cool” when we were kids and things that simply don’t exist anymore – technology has become so integrated with our lives that I’m not sure we could ever live without it.  Remember when the remote control was attached to the TV by a long chord?

My friend, Kathy (yes, you, Kathy Veal Harper!) and I have been friends since Kindergarten.  Over the years we've moved away from each other, run into each other by chance from time to time over the years, and gone long periods without knowing where the other was.  I was ecstatic to find her on FaceBook and we've had fun reminiscing about things we used to do as kids.  Cutting not only our dolls’ hair, but ours, much to our
mothers’ horror; torturing our siblings, playing with Barbie dolls, baking “Shrinky Dinks” in the oven, playing in the woods with no fear of predators and making sure we crossed the front door’s threshold as the street lights came on.

As a child growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, life was sure different than it is for our kids now!  We learned to swim at about the same time “Jaws” came out…and still carry the emotional scars to prove it!    We tuned in regularly to the adventures of the Bionic Man, Bionic Woman, Wonder Woman and the Incredible Hulk and longed for those awesome abilities.  Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how we learned grammar, math and history and to this day, sing the little “conjunction junction” song when helping our own kids with homework!  Then there were those days when homework had to wait til the ‘ABC After School Special’ was over.  And who didn't want to be a Goonie?

Mom cut my hair like Dorothy Hamill…remember “Short and Sassy” shampoo?  A predominant color in our wardrobe was “plaid”, and when I got a little older, we had to own SOMETHING with Jordache on it.  We wore banana clips, made “friendship pins” with beads and safety pins, and put feathers attached to roach clips in our hair without knowing what a roach clip was for!

Remember the console TV?  How ‘bout that $2,000, top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table?  We didn’t call the cable company when the picture got fuzzy, we adjusted the foil on the rabbit ears and beat the side of the TV til it came back into focus!

Everyone wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and we choreographed "Dancing Queen" in our bedrooms.  I knew all the words to the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero." ("BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKIN' ON AIR... I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FEEL SO FREE-EE-EE...") and secretly loved the book, “Are you there God, it’s me, Margaret.”

In high school, our hair defied gravity – we could go through a case of AquaNet hairspray in a week, and partying “like it’s 1999” seemed SO far away.  There were at LEAST three people in our school with names like “Skip”, “Buffy”, “Muffy” or “Dexter”.  The movie, “The Day After” scared the crap out of us and our first date took us to the local skating rink where we held hands for the “couples only” skate.  All skaters – change direction!

There was no “internet”, there was no “i” anything, and computers were something that filled up an entire city block somewhere inside the Pentagon.  Phones were attached to the wall and “cellular” phones weighed 15 pounds and had to be carried like a back-pack. 

The more technology advances, the more I forget how we ever lived without it.  My favorite part is staying connected to my friends and family that our busy lives would ordinarily keep me from.  Thanks you all for laughing with me!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Some handy information...


By now, I suspect everyone is familiar with snopes.com and truthorfiction.com for determining whether information received is just that: true, false, fact or fiction. Both are excellent sites.  Following is some good information about spam emails, sales calls and junk mail:

Any time you see an email or FaceBook posting that says "forward this on/share”, "sign this petition”, “you'll get bad luck" or "you'll get good luck" or "you'll see something funny on your screen after you send it" or whatever --- it almost always has an email tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and emails of those folks you forward to. The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of 'active' email addresses to use in SPAM emails or sell to other Spammers.  You have an email address associated with your FaceBook page – they’re getting that.

Even when you get emails or see posts that demand you send them on if you're not ashamed of God/Jesus --- that is email tracking, and they are playing on your conscience. These people don't care how they get your email addresses - just as long as they get them. Also, emails that talk about a missing child or a child with an incurable disease; "how would you feel if that was your child" --- email tracking.  Ignore them and don't participate!

Ever notice that some of those “shared” pictures on FaceBook come from sites with offensive language in the title?  If you see something you like – right click on the image, save it to your computer and repost it from there.  Voila!  No more offensive link!

You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT – you are supporting spammers, who are getting rich!  Otherwise, why would they keep doing it?!?  You could very well be exposed to a virus, which has forced many of us to have to change passwords and take other measures.      

Tired of telemarketers?  Try this:

If you actually get a real person, tell them, “Hold on, please...” and then put the phone down – DON’T hang up.  This will make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.  Then when you eventually hear the phone's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?  This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.  This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.

To stop these calls, once you discover that no one is there, immediately start hitting the ‘#’ button on the phone 6 or 7 times as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call, and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

Sick of Junk Mail?

When you get ads enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these ads with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.  Only if it comes with the prepaid envelope, though. 

When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to second mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.  Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes and it costs them more than regular postage, 'IF' and when they receive them back.  It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't have anything to send, then just send them their blank application back!  You will be making revenue for the Postal Service and we need that!  If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 60 cents. I stuff mine with the ads that come with the Sunday paper. (Weighs more and uses more postage.)

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail but let’s OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Friday, February 15, 2013

"Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..."


I miss working in an office.  A few short months left of school and I can get back out there, so in the meantime, I thought I’d get my fix of office humor and share with you!

Ever notice that most offices post so many notices that no one ever really pays attention to them?  How ‘bout this one (that I’m sure some of you have seen before):

Please Notice!!
You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice.  And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable.

It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

>From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notice
s

And let’s have some fun with office sarcasm:
  • Love how you turned my compliment about you being wise into me insulting you as old.  You’ll notice I didn't say you were easy to work with. 
  • Mock FAX machines all you want, but I never got a two-word reply-all on a FAX
  • A “vanilla envelope”?  Oh, this I've got to see…
  • How sick I feel these days is directly proportional to how many sick days I have left…**cough**cough**
  • We passed around a “Get Well Soon” card for a co-worker recovering from surgery.  The box crossed out “Soon” and wrote in “Now”.
  • Oh NO! We’re trapped in this meeting at 5:45 and someone just asked “the Over-explainer” a question! Someone pull a fire alarm!”


Here’s something I will NEVER miss: Employee evaluations.  Here’s a few that slipped past the political correctness monitors:
  • Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap
  • I would not allow this employee to breed
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there
  • Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig
  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity


There.  That should hold me over for awhile!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

GPS Abuse


GPS systems are kinda boring.  It would be far more entertaining if these systems talked to us like some of these:

Simon Cowell: This entire trip has been simply ghastly. You missed two turns, and your side-view mirrors weren't adjusted properly. And the worst part was the singing to the radio. Just awful. You’re no longer in the driver’s seat. In fact, I’d be surprised if you returned next week—because you’d probably get lost again.

Jack Bauer: I don’t have a lot of time. You’re going to have to trust me. The country’s fate is in my hands. So please, listen to me. The Wal-Mart is on the left, 2.6 miles up the road. Today’s the last day for the rollback prices on that wicker hamper you want, so grab it and go. Then we have some business to take care of.

The Biggest Loser trainers: 
Come on! So you’re lost. Are you gonna cry? Don’t you dare reach for that glove-compartment. I know that’s where you hide your Twix bars. Just take a breath. Pull over. Do some stretching. Get back in. And let’s turn around and get back on track! There’s a weigh station on the right.

IRS Agent:  Proceed to the intersection following Schedule C, section 4 dash 6; then turn right if the number of passengers in your vehicle [form B22] is greater than the number of cup-holders [line 15] currently in use…

Author of the ‘Windows file copy’ dialog box:  You should reach your destination in 15 minutes…no, it’s actually looking more like six days…no, wait…30 seconds.

Did you know you can re-program your GPS “standard phrases” to your own?  Here’s some funny and clever ones:
     ·         “Recalculating” changed to:
  •     “Fine…have it your way”
  •     “And just WHERE do you think YOU are going?”
  •     “Try and stay on the route this time, OKAY?!?”
  •     “OK, let’s try this again, shall we?”

     ·         “Battery Power Low” changed to “I feel a weakness in the force”

I don’t have a GPS system in my car – 
I've never really had any trouble with directions, but there’s an “add-on” called “Dr. Nightmare” that I would LOVE to have.  It randomly says things without warning, like, “Did you hear something?”  On long, boring stretches at night, it might say, “You’re not afraid of werewolves are you?”  I have GOT to get that!